Today was Matteo’s first day at child-care.

In Italian it’s called L’Asilo Nido which literally translates as Nursery (Asilo) Nest (Nido).  I don’t know about you but I don’t know of any birds that leave their nest to the care of others or am I wrong?  So as you see, we are already off to a bad start!  I had very mixed emotions in the lead up to today.  On one hand I feel very proud of my boy who is growing up so fast and about to begin a new chapter in his life but on the other, I feel sad that our pyjama mornings and daily walks together are coming to an end.  And yes, I feel guilty that because of my job (and mortgage) I have to send Matteo to the asilo-nido from 8.45am – 6.15pm (allowing 15 minutes to and from the office!).  I know that hundreds of thousands of women face the same dilemma every day but I personally am not happy that I don’t have a choice.   In the last week alone, Matteo has developed so much. We are two  steps away from walking and his baby gibberish and facial expressions have us so entertained – if only we understood what he was saying!  I can’t imagine what I’m going to miss over the next few days, weeks and months!

Today, the first day was only for one hour, tomorrow will be two.  Tomorrow I will wait outside the room as I think my presence does not help – not that he was distressed today!  On the contrary!  He had a lot of fun playing with all the new toys and baby-furniture but he would then look my way and come over to play with me.  There were other children crying as their parents left them and it made me imagine Matteo being that baby desperately clinging to the teacher’s neck.  I am dreading the day that I have to leave Matteo there as he cries for me to stay.  (fingers crossed that day doesn’t happen but I think the odds are against us)

Some days I feel like I am the rope in a tug-of-war between the office and the home.  I feel guilty that I haven’t returned to work full-time yet and I feel guilty that I am about to do just that.  I went to London for two days last week – my first business trip since Matteo was born.  There were three babies on my flight and all I could do was think about how Matteo was going to be his first night without me.  As it turned out, he actually slept for 8 hours straight! Something he has never done before (nor repeated unfortunately) And if anyone suffered, it was me…….. I felt like my boobs were going to explode – who knew I still had so much milk!   It was very nice to be back traveling again though and I really do love my job so why aren’t I happy to be returning and claiming my role back?

I have such fond memories of growing up with my stay-at-home mum.  I loved her picking us up from school and walking in the front door to the wonderful aroma of her delicious dinner.  Her home-made cakes for afternoon tea were also so delicious and I seriously don’t think I have ever had a chocolate cake as good as hers.  There is no way that I can recreate those after school memories with Matteo if I am working full-time!

I sent this post to my sister to proof-read and she said it sounds like I’m having a whinge.  Well, I guess I am but felt the need to write down my feelings today.

Maybe it’s just the emotion of my baby actually leaving my nest for another that is making me feel so torn.